As located on his MySpace pageThe top 40 ways men fail in bed... take notes, all you Casanovas!
1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay. (Seriously, guys. We are not like you men who get aroused just by someone walking in a room or sitting next to us. It takes work to get us ready. Please take note: kissing DOES NOT involve licking our face like a puppy dog, nor does it include trying to perform dental work on us. It is not a race to see who can move their tongue the fastest, either. Please keep at a slow, even pace. And keep your lips on ours. Dont try to eat our face. We are not tongue-wrestling, so you dont need to exert great amounts of force, and it is not a competition to see how far down our throat you can get your tongue.)
2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts. (And its retarded. So is cramming your tongue in our ear like its a damn Q-tip. Slobber is NOT erotic. Please dont leave it in our ears. Do you like Wet Willies? Well, neither do we. So dont stick your tongue in our ears. Thanks.)
3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance. (It chaps our lips...both sets. That is the LAST place we want abrasions.)
4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them. (Come here...let me squeeze one of your berries like you all squeeze us. See how much YOU like it. We know you get a little excited when you get in front of a pair, but please...try to control yourself.)
5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't. (They are not Twizzlers. Dont chew them or bite them. Period. End of story)
6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points. (There are nerve endings in there. It hurts.)
7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention. (Ask for a roadmap if you need to. All cities are not the same. Some cities have one-way streets, and there are always shortcuts to get you to your destination faster.)
8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off. (Better yet, if you are THAT uncoordinated, try practicing on a blowup doll until you have the shit down pat. Seriously. I dont have time to teach your dumb ass.)
9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it. (And dont spill it on my carpet, or you're paying to have the shit cleaned.)
10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris. (If we jump, we are not jumping from pleasure. Just like the elevator will not open up any faster if you push harder on the button, our legs will not open up any faster if you push as hard as you can on the little guy in the boat.)
11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not. (Dont start what you cant finish. Trust me, you will be rewarded for making it to the finish line)
12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy. (Its not sexy to be stuck in a spiderweb of your own clothing. Nor is it erotic to be choked or asphyxiated by your own shirt.)
13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not. (What asshole ever decided to try this on a woman in the first place? It fucking hurts. Plain and simple. You see us all the time...pulling our underwear out of our asses...wedgies dont feel good. What the fuck makes you think that we will enjoy it just because YOU are the one giving it to us?)
14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it. (Pretend that our vagina is your rectum...would you like it if I stuck 2-3 fingers in you and stirred them around like I was trying to stretch it out? Hell no you wouldnt. Neither do we. And make sure your fingernails are trimmed.)
15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.
16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons. (Not too many things are more awkward than having a naked man and a fully clothed woman going at it. Take your time. Relax. Relish in the moment. Chill the fuck out.)
17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first. (Guys, in case you havent mastered this yet...there actually IS a way to take them off at the same time. Im totally serious!! I know, its hard to believe, isnt it!!)
18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts. (You are not jackhammering through concrete.)
19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds. (come here...let me elbow you in your eye)
20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too. (Better yet, learn control.)
21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man. (Your outside is NOT like our inside. Friction hurts after awhile.)
22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask. (Trust me. You'll know)
23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. (If you dont enjoy it and cant get into doing it 100%, dont bother doing it at all. We dont need any half-assed attempts at oral sex. Just dont bother. If you dont enjoy doing it, we dont enjoy you doing it.)
24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her. (More like 1 step from being dragged to my front door by YOUR hair. DONT DO IT.)
25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary. (Some women like surprises. But not that kind of surprise. Sometimes we take our mouth off and use our hand. I dont know about the rest of you women, but I dont want to get shot in the eye or up the nose. And if you are stupid enough to not warn us and try to get one off in our mouth, you will be in for a big surprise of your own. No, I will not tell you what that surprise is. That's why its called a surprise!)
26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head. (Unless you want to get bit)
27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do. (Go look at Fidel's blog, "Hey! You have nut in your eye!")
28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.
29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse. (This ranks up there in the Top 5 Ways To Get Thrown Out of Christine's House)
30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them. (The answer's NO. We know that you men are always game for that. If we desire, we will let you know. We are sure that you will not have a problem with it. Dont ask us.)
31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no. (Set yourself apart from all the others. Give us something to remember. Something to talk about at work on Monday. Make us remember you.)
32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest. (Learn proper technique to ensure this does not happen.)
33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings. (I am not Gumbi. Do not try to contort me. I will kick you.)
34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't. (If you feel the need to put it there, they have a nice place where you can go to get all of the anal stimulation you can handle. Its called prison.)
35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end. (We are not in middle school. Hickeys are NOT cute or sexy. They are trashy. Do not leave them on us in places that are visible when clothed)
36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on. (We arent on a football field. I dont need a cheerleader)
37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know. (No matter how many times you ask us, you will never be our Daddy. I dont know about other women, but personally, I dont want to call anyone "Daddy" while having sex with them. I love my dad, but I just cant handle anything that may remind me of him while involved in any type of sexual activity. Please dont ask us "Whose p***y is this?" Its mine. And you already know what your name is. If we want to call it out during sex, we will. Dont ask us to.)
38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you. (If all you are concerned with is getting off, you dont need me to do that. If that is your desire, just let me know and I will supply you with some lotion and a box of Kleenex and leave the room. Im sure I can find something entertaining on TV.)
39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue. (And remember that you are usually taller than us, too. So, keeping that in mind, we also do not enjoy having your armpit right in our face, nor do we enjoy having your shoulder pressing our chin up so that our neck is bent back so much that we are looking at the wall behind us. When you are finished, and want to lay on us, please do it in a way that your chest is not suffocating us. We would like to be able to breathe after sex.)
40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen. (Thanking someone usually indicates that they have done you a favor. While for some men this is the case, if you view sex as a favor, you have bigger problems than trying to remember these rules)
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